Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
