2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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