How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
