I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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