When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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