hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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