U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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