Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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