These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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