i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
