If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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