U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
