i permit you to call me
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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