Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
