Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
