I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
