Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Someone came in the potted fern
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
