Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
