Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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