Swine flu. Run for my life!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Randomize
