I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
