Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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