A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
