hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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