I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
