Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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