Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
