I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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