so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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