yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
