gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
