I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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