What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
