We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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