I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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