No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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