On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
