I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
