I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
