Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
