So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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