bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
