Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
