He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
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