Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
