I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
