It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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