I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
