when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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