he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
